Thursday, December 7, 2017

Sck.

Apa yang kau faham tentang dakwah ?

Oh, mungkin aku salah soalan.



Kau ingat lagi tak pasal dakwah ?

Em, pun macam tak sesuai.



Do you even know dakwah tu apa ?

---

Habis tu, apa yang kau buat sekarang ni ?

Macam ni ke khalifah ? Macam ni ke dai'e ?

Baru 2 tahun tinggal institusi agama tu.....

Apa dah jadi ? 


Come on Amalina.
Pull yrself together.


Astaghfirullah.
Allah, moga hati aku tak lupa untuk dambakan syurga--
dan jiwa aku tak penat berusaha untuknya.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Diffraction.

"It ain't hard to find people who'd love what is and what were,
But the precious ones are those who witness the transition--,
and still value the entire idea."

***

"I saw that you changed. Is everything okay?"
He/she liked who you were.


"You're good. I'm impressed."
He likes the present you.


"You'll do better. I know you will."
He envision your future, which he thinks will be brighter.


They're all good people. Appreciate all the kindness.

But the one who're the most precious are those
who sees you throughout and along the journey,
and still stay.

The transitions-- the process of change and transformation you go through didn't make them leave. It can only affect their emotion, but not their perception.

It doesn't matter if people aren't always nice. We don't like ourselves all the time either, kan ?

________________________


I've been reminiscing upon how much I've changed in these few years. How I tried various different survival method to keep myself going.  Adjusting my personalities in and into this and that situations. Whatever-- that I think can do to face everything that's coming, I'd just try. I even did things I thought I'd never do before-- which some made me realize I actually can, while some other made me virtually punch myself for going against my stance.


I made a lot of mistakes. And not having people to correct my misbehaviour made me learn to rectify myself on my own. I guess that's how ppl grow. They learn to teach their own self.  Along the way, I found ppl who loved me then, who loves me now, who's loving me now and then, yet no one knows who's gonna stay till the end.


Am I wrong to think, that having ppl telling you that you've changed will always tear yourself down at least a bit ? And there are two reaction; you'll feel down as you wonder what had went wrong, or you'd feel annoyed as you think they don't know you. Or maybe both, and it upsets you in both ways.


One of the thing I like the most about myself is how rational my mind and emotion works. I mean, I can be emotional and write pages of tantrums when I'm upset but, I can control myself not to. I'd keep quiet. I'd write the opposite. I'd write pretty phrases of advice to calm myself down, and try my best not to hurt any other party. All the motivational speech I wrote up in my Instastory are usually for my own reflection. I think I'm good on my own. I can control my mind and tell myself not to depend on anyone. I can tell myself to heal. I can be strong when I want to, and I'll let myself cry whenever I feel like spoiling(manjakan) myself. Though not all the time, but I know I'm under control.


But being rational doesn't always mean you're doing right.

________________________

I posted an old photo on WhatsApp status, captioned 'I've changed a lot', and a very fond junior of mine replied to it.


Aku pun pernah jadi orang bawah. Aku pernah nampak orang-orang yang aku pandang tinggi, berubah. Aku pernah kecewa. Rasa jauh, sedih tapi takde apa yang aku boleh buat sebab aku bukan siapa-siapa. As time passes orang-orang yang aku pandang tinggi tu hilang. Bukan, dorang ada. Cuma qualities dalam dia yang aku admire tu dah entah ke mana.

Sebab tu aku kata, aku rasa aku tahu apa yang dia rasa.

Memang, we don't live to please anyone. Aku boleh hidup cara aku and not give a damn on apa-apa view orang pasal aku.

Tapi aku tahu, yang, aku yang betul-betul aku takkan suka dilihat macam tu.


Aku tahu aku berubah banyak, in some ways. Orang lain pun berubah. Suasana berubah. Semua la. Apa benda je yang constant dalam hidup ni ? Takde kot. Tapi apa yang aku risau is kalau aku berubah jadi apa yang aku tak suka. Aku takut perubahan aku, in another aspect akan bagi impact yang aku tak suka. 


Tapi what I'm pretty sure about is, there's no way I can return back to who and how I were, back then. Macam-macam benda dah jadi. Macam-macam dah datang dan dah pergi. My garment dah koyak rabak tampal sana sini, how would I expect myself untuk jadi macam dulu ?


Impossible.


Tapi does that mean aku dah takde harapan nak jadi baik and better ?


Nope, not that.


Haritu aku ada tanya Kyra,

"Have you ever think about... why are we still living ? I mean, apa lagi yang Allah rancang untuk kita temui dalam dunia ni ? Let's see.. Orang yang dah pergi, maksudnya purpose dia hidup kat dunia ni dah came to an end lah kan.

...Tapi kenapa kita yang terpilih untuk masih disini ?" 
Random. No right or wrong.



And I think aku dah jumpa one of the answers.



Sebab aku belum cukup baik untuk pergi jumpa Tuhan.


Sebab aku minta untuk pergi dengan keadaan baik, maka Tuhan yang Maha Considerate tu masih nak bagi aku harapan.



Memang tak mungkin untuk aku patah balik.
Tapi Allah tunjuk yang aku boleh cari jalan lain.


Kenapa nak back to past, kalau boleh start anew ? :)



________________________


Kenapa ada solat taubat, instead of just taubat ?
Sebab taubat tu bukan amal sekali je.


Selagi tak mati, kau taubat jela lagi dan lagi.


Harapan tu ada.
Tapi kau kena percaya dan ingat-- yang harapan tu dari ihsan Allah, bukan manusia.

Kita semua tahu macam mana luas dan tak terbayangnya pemurah Allah tu, kan.

________________________

Kau pernah rasa macam aku rasa ?

Moga yang ni bagi manfaat untuk kau jugak.

Aku dah nak givap separuh jalan time tulis ni tadi, tapi Allah 'suruh' aku sambung.

Nampaknya, entri ni bukan dari aku, instead it's untuk aku. 




Notakaki: Doakan aku satu benda pls. Moga Allah wujudkan aku bersama dengan orang yang witness all the change I have and I will go through, but still value me in any form of me.
If you understand.